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Part of creating a strong community is offering neighborly acts of kindness (For more on community building see It Makes A Village, page 20.) But, in the 21st century, which is chock-full of the unknown dangers and consequences of being a Good Samaritan, it’s normal to be hesitant to get involved and help those in need. Helping others takes time, effort and resources. It also means invading another person’s or family’s privacy to some extent—a taboo that our society warns us against. Even worse, some folks, whether your neighbors, family or friends, and even some authority figures, will ignore and resent your good intentions. The result is that it is not uncommon to be hesitant when attempting to reach out and into the lives of others.
Sometimes, however, crises are not calling to us from across the world or the television screen. As we all experienced during the aftermath of events like the 9/11 attacks or the 2003 blackout that cut power to much of the Northeast, need on a massive scale came right into our very neighborhoods, prompting many to follow their instincts and help their neighbors and to learn when it’s OK to get involved in the process. And taking the step to “butt in” may just reap as much reward for the Good Samaritan as the recipient.
Good for Them and Good for You
Experts believe extending ourselves to others can be healthful for our body, mind and spirit. Stephen Post, a professor at Case Western Reserve University, Cleveland, and author of Why Good Things Happen to Good People (Broadway, 2007), notes, “The exciting new research proves the link between doing good and living a longer, healthier, happier life.” Post says that studies, some done at his Institute for Research on Unlimited Love, show that traits such as compassion can boost better health and longevity.
“Helping your neighbor helps you,” says Rev. Paul Ratzlaff, a minister of the Unitarian Universalist of Fellowship of Huntington (www.uufh.org). “When you help another person you expand your heart. By responding compassionately to another’s needs, and doing something to help, you go outside your own ego and its impulse to limit your horizons. That’s got to be good for you spiritually and emotionally, which is good for your body, too.”
“Volunteering provides a way to take the focus off yourself and onto the need in front of you,” says Diana O’Neil, executive director of Long Island Volunteer Center in Hempstead. In other words, if you have a physical woe and help a neighbor you may be surprised that you will feel a “helper’s high”—a rush of those feel-good endorphins—while doing for others.
Taking the step to get involved is a difficult one that can be inspired by the actions of another or is sometimes eased by working in numbers. A group of neighbors getting together to help another can support each other in their mission as a concerned contingent rather than a single person who might be perceived as a busybody.
Adds O’Neil, “On my block, the fireman across the street shovels the sidewalks of neighbors who are widows alone in their homes. His example has prompted the rest of us to remember those ladies as we go about our daily lives. Right next door could be someone who could benefit from just a friendly hello. Thinking that volunteering has to be a formal activity limits its definition.”
A Mental Exercise
In real life, people who physically extend themselves often find inner strength and confidence after opening their hearts to others. Helping folks often can heal isolation and loneliness.
“All people want, fundamentally, the same thing: to have basic needs met. Helping a neighbor one way or another is a mandate found in every religion, and is a cornerstone of humanism as well,” explains James Claffey, program officer of Long Island Community Foundation at Nassau Hall, Syosset (www.licf.org). He agrees with O’Neil, “Getting outside of oneself is psychologically healthy; focusing on others instead of oneself is liberating.”
“Finding that one talent or gift inside you that another person is starving to receive, well, that’s the kind of human connection that transcends words. Passion is born within and motivation can thrive, fulfilling Gandhi’s challenge ‘to be the change you wish to see in the world,’ ” notes O’Neil. She adds, “Helping is empowering and caring is contagious. It’s not just nice, it’s necessary. Plus, if you aspire to the golden rule to do unto others, then what goes around will come around.” Most importantly, concludes O’Neil, “Helping your neighbor is a good thing to do because it builds community, especially believing that community means common unity. All of our protected interests as a whole lead to a feeling of being safe and secure, as well as comfortable and satisfied.”
Getting past the personal hurdle of offering to step in requires a lot more than a willing body or comfort in the knowledge that you are putting currency in the bank of good karma. It’s important to be sensitive to the fact that in hard times or crisis, stress can wreak havoc on the soul and well-being of both the person in need and those reaching out to him—especially if the call for help is over an extended time. While offering care to someone who is bewildered, grieving or may be out of his or her emotional and physical comfort zone not only helps him get through a difficult time but can help your spirit soar, too, it’s important to know whether you are up to the challenge.
“We all have the capacity to do great things,” says former President Bill Clinton in his book Giving: How Each of Us Can Change the World (Knopf, 2007). He discusses how much we should consider giving, but only you can be the judge of how much you can handle emotionally and physically to help solve problems and save lives.
And remember, Good Samaritans need to take care of themselves if they want to be able to keep on giving. Here are some practical ways to rejuvenate yourself and help others more: Share the burden. Find friends and neighbors to make a connection with and relieve you in time of need. Encourage the caretaker to be active and do things for himself. Provide structure for yourself—exercise, eat right—so you can keep your energy level up to be that friend indeed.
Cal Orey is the author of The Healing Powers of Vinegar, Doctors’ Orders, and The Healing Powers of Olive Oil (February. 2008), all published by Kensington
Not Really Your Business?
Domestic violence is a highly personal crisis for the victim—should you step in?
For Mara [last name withheld], who lived in the Five Towns, the call for help—and the decision to answer it—literally knocked on her door when a neighbor showed up during Yom Kippur several years ago with a fractured cheekbone and blood dripping down her face. Her husband had inflicted the injuries and when Mara whisked her neighbor to the hospital, he followed them there. The woman reunited with her husband, as many battered women do for reasons such as low self-esteem to lack of skills or money to take care of themselves and their children.
But Mara’s efforts didn’t stop that night. “I wrote letters to our legislators asking why there wasn’t a law on the books to arrest these violent men,” she says. At that time battery between spouses did not fall under the same laws of assault as battery between unrelated parties. “A law was finally passed a few years later. “I’ve since moved from that neighborhood, but I haven’t forgotten what occurred.” Mara says that the memory of that event made her realize how important it is for neighbors to be aware of what is going on their communities. When she moved she established a neighborhood watch in her new neighborhood.
But, sometimes, the choice to help isn’t an easy one to make. John, who lives in Stony Brook, says he often hears his next-door neighbor arguing loudly with his wife, with her often yelling that he is hurting her. “Our houses aren’t that close together and it wasn’t until I walked very near to the fence separating our properties that I realized there was an argument going on rather than just loud talking or partying, as I had thought before,” he says. “I did call the police once when I heard her screaming that she was hurt. I didn’t see the police arrive so I don’t know what happened after but they remain together and it continues to happen. I don’t even know them, so I’m not really sure how much more I can do.”
When, and to what extent, does a neighbor like John have the right to stand up and volunteer to help end another’s abuse? There is no easy answer but what is known for sure is that as many as four million women suffer abuse from their husbands, ex-husbands, boyfriends or intimate partners in the United States each year, according to research by the Mayo Clinic. Yet because of the highly personal nature of the relationship between husband and wife, domestic partners or parent and child, few outsiders feel they have the right to step in. (Read the report at www.mayoclinic.com.health/domesticviolence/WO00044.)
If you suspect that someone is being abused, don’t just stand by. Get educated about what you can do by contacting New York State Domestic Violence Resources: www.thesafetyzone.org/everyone/resource.html and Long Island Domestic Violence Resources, (631) 952-7032.
