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Every year families anticipate the holiday season as a festive time for parties, delicious food, and good times. However, for many, the time can also be a source of unexpected stress, rife with conflict fueled by disappointments, miscommunication, dissimilar values, and confrontation. From gift-giving to the challenges of interfaith celebrations, there are myriad issues for families to face at holiday time.
“There are several expectations that are traditionally attached to holidays in our culture: ‘The whole family should get together,’ ‘Everyone should have a good time,’ and ‘No one should talk about anything that will cause discomfort and tension,’” says psychologist Michael Zentman, Ph.D, who has been in practice for 27 years and has offices in Centerport and Manhattan. But family dysfunction doesn’t disappear with the holidays, no matter how much we wish that were the case. “Old emotional wounds don’t evaporate every fall,” he explains.
However, there are still things people can do to cope with their holiday-related stress, including lowering expectations. “If we come into the holiday season with fewer and more realistic expectations of our family relationships, chances are we will also be much less disappointed. [Then] our relatives are less likely to feel our disappointment … and they may then interact in a friendlier manner,” advises Dr. Zentman. “This positive cycle often becomes infectious as positive feelings and interactions replace negative ones.”
Another key to improving family unity is to continue holiday rituals, says Bill Anderson, Ph.D., assistant professor of family and consumer sciences at Illinois State University in Normal, IL. “Meaningful holiday rituals can actually serve as a defense against stressful events within and to the family. Research finds that generational transmissions of divorce and remarriage and even alcoholism can be positively influenced by protecting family holidays and rituals,” Dr. Anderson notes. “Don’t underplay the importance of your family’s own unique traditions during holidays—from dishes and decorations to music and movies.”
If relationships are tense, don’t wait until a holiday get-together to confront a loved one.
“Start now and work on those issues that are plaguing the family. Go out for coffee in a neutral setting and try to talk about an issue that you anticipate will be difficult during the holidays,” recommends Richard Shadick, a professor of psychology and director of the counseling center at Pace University, in Manhattan.
Happy Chrismukkah!
Many interfaith families face unique challenges, but they
can be overcome with the right attitude. “Interfaith families need to be
patient with one another and accepting of one another’s differences. Remember
that a new family member may not be familiar with your traditions and may make
mistakes,” advises Deborah Merrill, Ph.D., an associate professor of sociology
at Clark University, in Worcester, Mass. “It is important to participate even
if you do not share the religion. Attend one another’s family gatherings and be
a part of the family even if you are not at the heart of the celebration.”
Many times the conflict associated with interfaith unions is a symptom of a larger underlying issue. Dr. Zentman likens religious disputes to other issues such as problems with money or intimacy. “They indicate a symptom, not a cause, and when the marital relationship improves, religion falls into the background.” Therefore, if interfaith couples keep their marriage strong year-round, then holidays should not become a source of anguish for them and their families.
Another key to handling interfaith dynamics is to address the roles that family history and tradition play in today’s celebrations. “Issues can become intergenerational, such as ‘What would my father say if he knew I had a Christmas tree in my house?’ even if the father has been dead for 20 years. Religion has a long history in families, which bears down to affect current relationships,” explains Dr. Zentman
Healthy Body, Sound Mind
Holiday
festivities usually involve elements that may exacerbate rather than relieve
stress. Shadick cites several culprits that can affect your physical
and emotional well-being, including too much alcohol, too little sleep,
overeating, overspending, and a hectic social schedule. Holiday parties are
famous for rich food and flowing alcohol; be sensible and practice
moderation. Make time for or modify your usual fitness routine, even if it just
means taking a simple walk. Taking care of your body before and during holiday
festivities will keep you in shape, improve your mood, and may offer a fun
family activity. “Stick to your healthy routines—eating sensibly, exercising
consistently, and getting adequate sleep. Families should plan their holiday
meals so that they include healthy choices. [After dinner] bundle up and go
outside for a walk,” suggests Shadick.
Giving and Receiving
While we all want our loved ones’ faces to light up when
they open our gifts, sometimes the expense attached to giving the perfect
present can be stressful. Events like the loss of a job or other financial
burdens can make holiday gift-giving challenging. “If money is tight this year,
certainly that individual or nuclear family will feel additional stress and
perhaps failure at not being able to live up to this year’s holiday
celebration,” says Dr. Anderson.
With newer family members, such as in-laws, their tastes and values may be unfamiliar, contributing to gift-giving gaffes. Dr. Merrill, author of Mothers-in-Law and Daughters-in-Law: Understanding the Relationship and What Makes Them Friends or Foe (Praeger Publishers, 2007), discovered through her research that “Gift-giving was sometimes an unexpected source of stress. In-laws felt that either the person knew nothing about them and thus got an inappropriate gift, or they put no effort into choosing something. One daughter-in-law described receiving a gift from her mother-in-law that she knew she had [originally] bought for her sister-in-law, a result of ‘re-gifting.’ ”
Just a little forethought can avoid embarrassment and disappointment. The adage “It’s the thought that counts” still holds true. “First of all, do try to put some thought into the gift that you give someone. It does not need to be an expensive gift, but it should be a thoughtful gift,” advises Dr. Merrill. Those fur-lined leather gloves that looked so great in the store? They’ll never warm the hands of your cousin’s wife, the animal-loving vegetarian. A gift that cannot be used or appreciated, no matter how pricey, is worthless to the recipient.
However, at times it can be more important to receive—graciously—than to give. Always show appreciation, no matter the gift; the giver did make some effort for you, and some people just lack the knack for great gifting. Focus on the special occasion and enjoy the togetherness. “People need to temper their expectations. Your priority should be in enjoying the time that you spend with your shared family,” says Dr. Merrill.
Gallia Ozari is a freelance writer and executive editor of demodirt.com, a Web site tracking demographic news and trends.
